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 If you are in an abusive relationship or care about someone who is, please call our Hotline:

(562) 402-4888

Our 24-hour Hotline will provide you with information and support.

If you are in danger, call 911 immediately.

 

 

DEFINITION OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

 

 

A pattern of behaviors a person uses to gain power and control over another person.  The abuse can be between intimate partners (e.g., spouses, boyfriends, girlfriends, live-in partners, former live-in partners), parents, and children.

 

An increasingly frequent and severe cycle of:

Ø  Verbal Abuse

Ø  Emotional Abuse/Psychological Abuse

o    Economic Abuse

o    Spiritual Abuse

Ø  Physical Abuse

Ø  Sexual Abuse

 

For the purpose of:

Ø  Intimidation

Ø  Instilling fear

Ø  Controlling behavior

 

 

 


TYPES OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

 

 

Domestic violence has different forms, but its goal is always the same: control through fear. This list identifies behaviors typically demonstrated by batterers and abusive people.  All of these forms of abuse come from the batterer's desire for power and control.

 

Ø    Verbal

o       Yelling, Screaming

o       Name-Calling, Put Downs

o       Constant Criticism, Disrespect

o       Abusive Language, Swearing

o       Interrupting/Changing the Subject

o       Not responding to what the victim is saying

o       Threats and Intimidation (especially with immigrants)

Ø    Emotional

o       Isolation from friends, family members, or society

o       Game Playing, Abusing Trust (lies, breaking promises)

o       Being Unfaithful, Jealousy

o       Minimizing or Denying Abuse

o       Destruction of Property, Punching Walls

o       Blaming the Victim

o       Monitoring Phone Calls, Reading (E)Mail

o       Constantly Calling to Check Up or Interrogating

o       Using or Abusing the Children or Pets

o       Self-Destructive Behavior, Threatening Suicide

o       Economic Abuse – controlling all finances, withholding money

o       Spiritual Abuse – not allowing someone to hold certain beliefs

Ø    Physical

o       Hitting, Slapping, Punching, Kicking, Pulling Hair, Burning

o       Forcing the victim into situations, Forced Removal from Home

Ø    Sexual

o       Forcing Sex on an Unwilling Partner

o       Forcing Partner to Commit Acts she/he does not want to do

o       Harassment or Peer Pressure (especially in Teen Dating Violence)

o       Sharing Partner with others as a form of degradation

o       Forcing Sex without Protection

 

BEHAVIORAL CHARACTERISTICS OF

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

 

 

BATTERER

VICTIM

CHILDREN

Batterers are found in all socioeconomic levels, all educational, racial, and age groups.

Victims are found in all socioeconomic levels, all educational, racial, and age groups.

Children who witness or experience domestic violence are found in all socioeconomic levels, all educational, racial, and age groups.

The batterer is characterized by poor impulse control, an explosive temper, and limited tolerance of frustration.

The victim is characterized by long suffering, martyr-like endurance and frustration.

Children in battering homes exhibit a combination of limited tolerance, poor impulse control, and martyr-like long suffering.

Veiled symptoms of dysfunction, sophistication of symptoms, and success at masking dysfunction vary.

Blatant depressive and/or hysterical symptoms, stress disorders, and psychosomatic complaints.

Depression, much stress, and absences from school, hidden symptoms of dysfunction.

Emotional dependency – subject to secret depressions usually known only to the family.

Economic and emotional dependency, subject to depression, high risk for secret drug and alcohol problems, home accidents.

Economic and emotional dependency, subject to depression, high risk for secret drug and alcohol problems, home accidents, sexual acting out, running away, isolation, loneliness, fear.

Limited capacity for delayed reinforcement, very “now” oriented.

Hopes “magic combination” will solve marital and battering problems, can “travel miles” on tiny bits of reinforcement.

Combination of poor impulse control and continual hopefulness that situation will improve.

Insatiable ego needs – has childlike narcissism (not generally detectable to people outside of family group).

Unsure of own ego needs, defines self in terms of family, job, etc.

Very shaky definition of self, is grappling with child-like parents for modeling.

Qualities that suggest great potential for change and improvement, i.e., frequent “promises” for the future.

Unrealistic hope that change is imminent; believes in “promises”

Mixture of hope/depression that there is not way out; peer group can be most important contact, if available.

 

Used with permission from Break the Cycle.

 

 

IDENTIFYING ABUSERS

 

 

I.                  Characteristics (Abusers frequently…)

 

a.      Have low self-esteem.

b.     Believe in traditional dominant roles in the family.

c.      Have acute reactions to stress; often use alcohol, drugs, and abusive behavior to cope with problems.

d.     Are unreasonably jealous and extremely controlling.

e.      Tend to blame others for their abusive or out-of-control behavior.

f.       Have difficulty asking for what they want or communicating their needs in a positive manner.

g.      Have dual personality; i.e., being a “good guy” with everyone but his/her partner and families.

h.     Frequently use sex aggressively to show dominance.

i.        Do not believe his/her violent behavior is wrong or should have negative consequences.

j.        Have been abused as children.

k.      Have witnessed the abuse of a parent or family member.

 

II.              Who May Become An Abuser (One who …)

 

a.      Is extremely jealous of the partner’s friends or relatives.

b.     Doesn’t want the partner to have his/her own friends.

c.      Wants to know where the partner goes when (s)he goes out.

d.     Is overly protective and tries to control partner’s behavior.

e.      Thinks the partner is with someone else if (s)he is not at home when the abuser calls.

f.       Thinks partner is going to cheat on the relationship when (s)he talks to someone else.

g.      Wants the partner around constantly.

h.     Hasn’t learned to communicate feelings.

i.        Doesn’t have close friends.

j.        Hasn’t learned how to handle anger.

k.      Allows anger to get out-of-control.

l.         Doesn’t respect partner’s opinions or beliefs.

m.   Seems threatened by victim’s accomplishments or beliefs.

n.     Ridicules or degrades partner.

o.     Has acute reactions to stress.

p.     Breaks things or throws things at partner.

 

 

 BARRIERS TO LEAVING AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP

 

 

Ø      Financial Support

o       “Who will support the children and me?

 

Ø      Children need Two Parents

o       A violent parent is better than none.

 

Ø      Religious and/or Family Pressure

o       Both clergy and family believe you should keep the family intact.

 

Ø      Fear of Being Alone / Lonely

o       Unable to cope with children and home by oneself.

 

Ø      Commitment / Optimism

o       I said I would stay married until death do us part.

o       We have had good times and we need to get through the tough times.

 

Ø      Pity

o       If I stay I can help him/her get better.

 

Ø      Learned Helplessness –

o       Victims live with unending stress and fear and believe changing the situation is not possible.  Similar to hostages, they become confused, exhausted, and lack the energy necessary to make changes.

 

Ø      Denial

o       It’s really not so bad.  Besides, the devil you know is better than the one you don’t know.

 

Ø      Love  

o       When (s)he’s not being abusive, (s)he is quite loving.

 

Ø      Guilt

o       Many victims believe they cause the violence.

 

Ø      Embarrassment / Shame

o       Victim doesn’t want anyone to know.

 

Ø      Fear of Retribution

o       Abuser has threatened to find victim if he/she ever tries to leave.

 

Ø      Fear of Abuser’s Suicide

o       Abuser threatens to commit suicide if victim leaves.